they don't love you like I love you,

so another school year is meeting a closure, and I'm still far from graduating out of this hellhole. some people call this a school, but it sure as hell isn't somewhere that's provided me with valuable knowledge. unless of course if you count malicious talk and groundless hearsay enriching for your soul. if there's anything I've learnt from this lousy excuse of a school, it's these: one, never believe what gossips they have to say about others, and two, never give a fraction of your attention to what untrue things people have to say about you. because if you do, you're damned to drown in all the idiocy that characterizes this hole.

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the night is wonderful

how should you know what to feel when you've been laying in a hospital bed for two weeks and the afternoon they tell you that the following day you can be discharged you also find out that you are going to stay an extra year in school. I feel like a doctor. or rather I feel like anna's father in my sister's keeper. isn't it strange how I always seem to relate to the characters in whichever book I read? maybe except some of murakami's, but that's besides the point. like a doctor I have one after another case to study before the first actually is closed. that could be a lawyer as well, or others. but now that I'm in a hospital let's keep things in context.

It seems remarkable that while one of our daughters is leading us into a legal crisis, the other is in the throes of a medical one -  but then again, we have known for quite some time that Kate's at the end stages of renal failure. It is Anna, this time, who's thrown us for a loop. And yet -like always- you figure it out; you manage to deal with both. The human capacity for burden is like bamboo - far more flexible than you'd ever believe at first glance.

this is it. one corner of your world crashing down after another. social life, health, grades. it's all the things that might matter the most to a regular seventeen-year-old. imagine that. but although I still have to be on medication for - forever, my health is actually improving. as could be suggested by the removal of the chest tubes today. my world is crashing but I am not falling apart. sometimes I amaze myself at my capacity for burden.

but when you break down in the middle of the night and make your parents rush over to the hospital, awakened in shock from their sleep, only finding that you're crying over nothing in particular, you wonder if that is your true capacity. how do you measure really. how long you could sustain your strong front, or how long you could do without a front? when do you even know if it's just a show you're putting up so others don't worry too much?

when I received news about my grades I didn't know how to react. or rather I don't know what to name that reaction. it was a whole slow process, like when you are falling through the sky on the jump that would remove your life, seconds seem to turn into years and you start wondering how it would be like when you crashed and if that is even a good idea in the first place at all. you kind of know this is going to be the end but maybe you still hope that you would only break something and survive this.

for a whole long while I couldn't do anything but stare at my phone waiting for more information. none came, of course. but I knew deep down inside that this was it, although everyone's telling me nothing's settled and there's still a chance, I know it. we all do, it's just another matter who faces up to it. they all can accept it like it wasn't wasting another year of my life, I thought me too. I mean all along I knew a little that a day like this, maybe not quite as bad, would come. so I thought I'm damn well prepared for this.

I'm not sobbing or anything. or losing my appetite because next year I am going to be junior to my classmates today. or not able to think straight because I am going to graduate out of junior college with my little sister. I'm calm as when they draw blood from me every morning, as long as they don't try it twice because the first failed. it's just another story if I would start crying in the early hours of a new day again. or maybe it's not. maybe it is going to be the same story. who really knows?

even I can't tell how I'm handling this. if I'm being brave or being fake. it's hard to tell. I can't even begin to explain why I wrote these. perhaps it's just one of those moments when you have too many words but no place to throw them.

now I have to eat my dinner and my medicine, then they'll give me antibiotics through the drip. I'm not particularly excited about it. I hate it, the drip. it doesn't really hurt, not always. but it's just something I really dread.

maybe that's my answer.

be careful what you wish for

it's early in the morning and I've watched the day slowly getting brighter from my bed, the bed I've been on all day. I've been on all day since the day I fasted, and they put me to sleep before inserting tubes into me. put me to sleep, it reminds me of spca and all that talk about putting some dogs to sleep. but of course in my context it's a different thing. but I do hope a lot that they could leave me on anaesthesia till this whole horrible thing ends. and all these tubes makes me feel strangely like doctor otto octavius in spiderman 2. I feel like a monster. just not a menancing threatening one.

early in the morning after they have delivered my distasteful breakfast to this corner that is my life right now, she asks me what I want her to buy from somewhere that sells edible food. I really dread meal times. they make me so exhausted. the process of deciding, and every bit of eating. then they gave me my medicine. the number of pills that can't be counted with both my hands. the big red capsule, and the smaller one, the big white tablet, then the smaller red ones and the smaller yellow ones, the tiny small ones. then my 2 big panadol for the pain. all these pills. for the next 6 months. everyday.

I started crying. I couldn't stop. I kept crying. this whole thing isn't going to end till six months later. all these infections. big ugly words like pnuemonia, tuberculosis. why me? why, God, why me?

then I remembered wishing I could be hospitalised someday, have people visit me and shower me with love. I remembered wishing. that was then. I've gotten half of it. it's been over a week. there's still some of you who haven't came. many of you. there's still faces everyday I wish I would see, that I don't see. why aren't you here?

but I've been thinking. this is probably the first time in my life that I have so many people, strangers, telling me what a strong girl I am. because every morning they draw blood from me, every morning that it doesn't hurt anymore. she would ask me is it painful. no, it isn't, it isn't. does that make me strong?

and I've been thinking. I want to be somebody different when I leave this hospital.

I've been thinking.
Be careful what you wish for.

a fire will burn itself out

a day can never get worse. when I woke up this morning I was in so much discomfort I couldn't breathe and it was tough. but I still went school. left house late so I had to rush from the mrt to school for team meeting. then my lungs started giving me problem AGAIN ugh. even brisk walking kills me. got to the fitness corner and only like half the girls were there when it was 715 sharp. mr kieu came and got really pissed in his calm and collected manner. kept asking us where the girls were. who wouldn't know they skipped school right, but no one said anything. so he postponed it to tomorrow morning and stomped off. the team got a scolding, somewhat, from junwei, but sean was like behind him making me laugh hahaha I swear I was trying to control.

after morning assembly it was chinese lecture. my god. two freaking hours of useless lecture. mdm hui, i think that's her name, was quite an entertainment though I felt so bad for her when everyone kept laughing at her. sometimes I wonder why teachers never get it, but it may not be a bad thing anyway. I literally wanted to die. it's so. fucking. boring. I swear I'm not going for another lecture tomorrow even if it means having to sit in the cafe alone for two hours. lao shi said my essay was disastrous /: but I DIDN'T FAIL. but he kept saying I'm screwed ):

once lecture ended we really had nothing to do. sat in the cafe with some of the girls wondering what we were supposed to do. then we went to pop cafe to join the rest of the class. in the end our class only sent in one team because so many people skipped school. I didn't play. went to sas to find putra and bendexter. then we decided to go back to school to get free candy floss. then joel joined us. we didn't get any candy floss because those boys refused to queue. I was sad I wanted candy floss it could've made my day better. we went around watching boring games. my head my lungs and my stomach hurt. I wanted to go home. Joel went to play the pinata. Joel's such a muscle man one whack and the whole thing cracked. in the end the sweets fell out all over the floor but none of us went to pick up haha. video on facebook!

bumped into edna and shelley so I decided to try leaving school with them. but faillll ): so I went back to find the boys at the cafe and they ate but I had no appetite so I ate corn. the auntie remembers me. I didn't even say what I wanted I just called out for her and she turned around and smiled and said "finally back" and got me my cup of corn with more butter. Joel orders cai fan without rice wtf hahaha. after lunch we went to sc and played bridge. yukai came to join us. I hate playing with them they're nubz ): maybe except bendexter but he's not very good either hahah. joel keeps losing in every game we play.

at one when the school gates were finally open they all left school to go shopping. I know right. I refused to go with them. gus came back so we stood in the middle of the cafe talking about many things. I swear I couldn't recognize him he has hair now omg hair like when he first came back to singapore. then I realized how long it's been since I last saw him. he asked me why I haven't been going church. I was like huh isn't he the one who hasn't been going. then I only realised when he told me that he's been going for the past three weeks but I've not been there. wow I didn't know that it's been so long. it was a rather nice ending to my day I thought. I like the set family haha ANNIE HANG OUT SOON.

but on my way home the weather was getting to me and my headache only got worse and I felt breathless and faint. so when I got home I ate half a horrible bowl of instant noodles and fell asleep after reading a few pages of my sister's keeper. I feel my health deteriorating literally. Am I dying?