i realised some people read my blog and think that they know me already. sorry to say that really, you know nothing. but maybe after what im gonna say you might actually know something real about me from this space that is usually nothing more than a place for me to be somebody else. it is two in the morning and i am only starting to type. last night i slept at four writing notes to people who made a difference. and only four down, eight to go, with less than 24 hours of the year left. and in one day i would have to rush between meeting loved ones and camp committee meeting and watch night. in the midst of this mad rush, i also do not want to neglect spending time with my parents. i am not prepared for the madness of tomorrow. oh i realised i actually have a habit of preparing for the next day. mentally going through the day before it happens so that i don't forget to bring something out, or go somewhere or do something. don't know when or where i picked it up. but sleeping this late, or early, is definitely not preparation. really, i am just not prepared for the year to end. which might answer for all the late nights i've been having, and the bad complexion. there's just too much of the year to let go, too much to say, i don't want to waste any time sleeping. although every day i wake up and find that morning has gone by heh (: i feel like i am bursting with words, overflowing with emotions. every night i open this space and it would feel like i am about to explode with all the thoughts, all the pain and the tears and the joy. but i can never seem to find anything, any word, any picture to express all of that. i hold the pen and the paper i chose for each person and i'm never able to say it right. the year has been too much. it's not something a blog post or a letter can define. and if i had to give a word to describe this year, the best i could ever come up with: madness. how do i even begin to tell you what a crazy year it has been. maybe say, you told me you had an eventful year, if i told you all about mine you might take your words back. does that adequately tell you how mind-blowing my year has been? definitely not. i will never find the right way to tell this story. i remember when i was younger, maybe in primary school days, i had a huge fear. i think i even had nightmares about it. i feared that one day my friends would all turn against me and hate me and bitch about me. really. and i had to live with this fear for most part of my schooling life. and in all honesty even today I still fear it. not only because it stuck with me for so many years, but also because it happened. and it's a history i never want to have repeated again. if you hear that i've never cried this much in my life, believe it, i haven't. i actually thought that i fell sick because i cried too much. which turned out to be untrue of course. it was the hardest lesson yet. sure throughout the seventeen? years of my life i've been through some downs, some real crazy downs but this was like, living my worse nightmare. if you really know me you'd know how important friends are to me. like in sunday school when they ask about what's your priority or sth and some people would say family or grades or God, i would always say friends (not recently though, i've found sth, or Someone, that gives me much more meaning and reason to live). or like when they ask whether you'd rather be pretty or smart, ok im sure everyone has been asked this question before, i would say pretty because when you're smart u may not have friends, but when you are pretty everyone wants to be your friend. that was when i was young and shallow btw plz don't judge me ): im just trying to show how much friends mean to me. like they gave me meaning. so when everything happened this year i literally thought i was gonna die from crying. like i lost my reason to go to school, to study, to live omg. so i started skipping school like there's no such thing called attendance sheet or school fees. and just when my whole truancy days were about to end before i get caught, i fell sick. here comes the second part. when i was younger i also imagined getting hospitalised for a day or so. then i could see all my friends, or old friends, coming to visit me and send me flowers and cards. i thought it would be nice. i have a feeling i even prayed for it before. so God granted my wish, just that he extended the period of stay in the hospital to two weeks. and the effects of it has to stay with me for six to nine months. see, they mean it when they say be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it. well it wasn't fun at all. i remember having a massive massive LITERALLY mindblowing headache before i was admitted. i was running a sky high temperature, it felt like a volcano erupted inside my brain and my insides were frying. gruesome, i know. i remember shivering on the hospital bed like i was naked and covered in snow even when i had 6 blankets towering over me. it was like a ritual. at a certain time of the day i would start shaking so violently and they would have to stack blankets over me and my mom would be rubbing my arms and legs so i get some warmth, until i fell asleep and sweat and start tearing the blankets off. i remember crying non stop because i heard the doctors talking about how a surgery would have to be done on my right ribs area and it scared me, i didn't want to do it. i kept asking my mom for reassurance that i wouldn't have to do it. for awhile they did say there's no need for the op, but eventually i found myself lying in the operation theatre. my little sister thought i was going to die. later, a few days after my operation i found out that i could have died if i was admitted later. that while i was having the fever it could have been the end of me. amazing near death experience. then i remember being very scared of the removal of the tubes. it sure as hell hurt ok. you don't know how it's removed. the doctor really just pulled it out with sheer strength. i didn't know how i was gonna survive the pain, but i did. my point is. through all these pain, there were still friends who didn't come. who didn't even bother to ask. and this is when i realised that i was wrong. that i can't spend my whole life depending on friends because there would always be a day that they would leave me. and never come back. never showing an ounce of concern. it also revealed to me another layer of myself. a layer that i need to change. and i'm working on it now. and that is what i hope 2010 will be about; living better, living for God. these are only two incidents in a year of many many crazy events. and although this year has been far from enjoyable or smooth-sailing, i thank God for everything. for the friends that i've made, and those that i've lost. for the tears that i've shed, and the hugs i got. and before i start a rhythmic post, i shall end here. hope you had just as an amazing year as i and that tomorrow will be the start of another year of brilliance and, well, inadequate expressions. | 
